This definitely hurts the most...

I'm facing an uphill battle I never thought would be possible a week ago. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I've been pushing through my life with this entire mindset. I can't see that reason right now, and I'm not really sure I want to, not knowing if I can handle what it may or may not lead to in my future.

To help decipher that first paragraph, a little background...The past two summers, I've been a volunteer coach in the Tupelo Youth Baseball Association 11-12-year-old league. Very few things have ever brought me as much joy as watching these guys succeed and finally "get" what you're trying to teach and coach them upon. Last year, I was the head coach of the city all-star team. I readily volunteered for the same duties this summer.

Now, one thing that is different this summer from last year is the emergence of a larger swell of 11-year-olds that would appreciate the opportunities to go out and compete against a higher level of caliber player they don't necessarily see in the park and recreation season. So, the approval for two teams was made - I'd coach the 12s and a guy named Gary would coach the 11s. Seems simple enough, right?

My park and rec team this year is the best in the league. We currently sport a 5-0 record, outscoring our opponents 45-14 in those five games (truth be told, if not for conservative base coaching at third, it could be a lot worse). On my team, young Ty Wheeler is the ace pitcher. Heck, it goes without saying that Ty is the best player in this league. A no-doubter when it comes to selecting an all-star team.

The catch? Ty's 11. His parents approached me after the first set of tryouts that both of us missed (due to my being in New Orleans for Jimmy Buffett and his playing the state soccer tournament) and asked if it would be possible for Ty to play up with the 12-year-old team since it'd give him more of a challenge. I would have loved to have Ty on the team, but I had to double-check with our baseball director to make sure it'd be OK.

A total of 12 11-year-olds had tried out for Gary's roster, and Suzanne (baseball director) gave me the options Ty'd have to play on my all-star team. We abode by those rules, and I let the 11-year-old coach know Ty would be playing up with us. Now, I was approached by another 11-year-old player who asked for the same opportunity, citing the desire to be more challenged than playing kids his own age. I granted him the tryout and applied the same rules I had for Ty, which I assumed to be the fair thing in this situation.

When Gary found out about this, he went to Suzanne and complained that I was poaching his best players and hindering his opportunity to have a competitive lineup even though all I was doing was going by the rules she set for me and trying to make my team better in the process. He began telling parents that 11-year-olds were going to take the spots of 12-year-olds, which led to us having to go in front of the TYBA Board of Directors today.

I felt betrayed the moment I stepped foot in the room at the meeting. There Gary was, schmoozing it up with the directors while I arrived after the meeting had started (even though it was 10 minutes prior to when Suzanne had told me to show up). "What's with this kid screwing up this vendor's pitch for snow cones to sell in the new concession stands???" is what all the eyes in the room were screaming at me as I took my seat. It only got worse from there.

To sum things up before posting something I sent later this afternoon after tears of frustration and anger, Ty will not be allowed to move up to play with players more on his ability level. I have to go back and tell his parents all of this information, but we couldn't put the two age groups together to set up the most competitive advantage (which is what an all-star team is supposed to do) because too many 11-year-old parents had already been told their kid was on the team. It was perfectly fine for me to have to backtrack to my parents, but God forbid Gary have to play on the same playing field and admit his own mistakes.

There were a few more things that crushed me today, and I'll outline those out in the following letter I sent to the president of the board just a few moments ago.

" Todd:

I just wanted to thank you and the board for their time today concerning our situation surrounding Ty Wheeler. While the outcome may not have gone in my favor, I understand the ruling and can deal with it. However, there were a few other things that really hurt a lot deeper than I let on in the meeting since I felt a little shell-shocked and betrayed.

First, I tried my very best to give Gary his time to make his case but did not receive the same courtesy from him while presenting mine. While I remained quiet and attentive through his speech, I hadn't spoken two sentences before he interjected his own thoughts. That's all on him, and I understand that, but no one quieted him down to allow me to continue. It was at this point that I could feel everything starting to slip away and said a couple of things I promised myself I wouldn't say concerning my assistant coach and his extremely vocal thoughts. I just ask that someone can do a better job of regulating something like that in the future, not really for my own sake but for someone else who may not necessarily know what they are getting into.

Second, I do not know Julie Smith, and she has no idea about anything concerning my character or personality. The fact that she pretty much called me a liar in front of a room of people who had never met me before...that does not sit well with me. When I brought this up to Suzanne during our call in the afternoon, all she could tell me was to take what Julie says "with a grain of salt" and that she "sometimes speaks before thinking about what she's saying." This does not dismiss her words or actions towards me, not when I'm out there volunteering sometimes four nights of my week to help 11-12-year-old boys be better baseball players. I won't hold my breath on this, but I think she owes me a big apology for that lone outburst. To rub salt in the wound, Gary was right along with her encouraging what she was saying.

Look, I know the board did what they thought was best for the league as a whole - which is its purpose by design. All I was doing was going by what Suzanne had told me earlier and laid it out for Ty and his parents the criteria he'd have to meet. Ty met and surpassed that criteria with flying colors. What I don't understand is how it's OK for me to have to go back and tell Ty's parents that what I had previously been told was incorrect but we can't have two teams because it'd be wrong for Gary to have to admit to those parents he got ahead of things. He wins what is best for him and not for Tupelo's all-star chances because he couldn't keep his own mouth shut around those parents. There are no rosters released to the public, and it was not too late to slip back and form one true team. We didn't have to cut the roster size at 12, and I would have gladly coached a team with 14 or 15 kids. Something about that fact just doesn't add up to me.

I'm still young (25, single, no kids and just trying to spend time around the game of baseball when it was the most fun for me) and am still impressionable with all of this, but what I saw in that room today from a group of adults made me weary to ever get involved with this again. Gary got his way through whining to Suzanne and won't learn from his mistakes like I did last year because he felt no recourse for his actions today. He accomplished exactly what he wanted to before he stepped foot inside that room. Besides the age factor, what the questions asked towards us told me was that it's perfectly fine for Gary to want to have a competitive team, to not have to spend $$$ on uniforms and travel costs and keep his team from going out and getting spanked. For me to want the same things and to have picked from the pool of players that tried out for my team, I was told, in so many words, "Let the kids go out and play (but you have to only pick the players we say you can pick)."

I never wanted to rock the boat. In two years, I've put forth my absolute best for both my players and for the city of Tupelo. What I learned today is, next time...I may have to rock the boat. I don't like that feeling, and I don't want to have to do something like this. At the same time, I feel as though I let Ty's parents down by not stooping to Gary's tactics. That's something that none of your board's words or assurances can ever replace in my heart, the feeling that I let this kid down.

Thanks again for your time. I'll do my best to make the city of Tupelo proud when we take the field for the district tournament.

Chris"